heart. beat. beat. beat. beat it.

It's some insane hour of the night, I'm exhausted because I've been prepping for finals... and yet here I am. Talking with you.
Why?
Well, because recently crawling into my bed at night hasn't even served as the refuge that it once did. I can't escape my worries in the unseen realms of sleep, even my dreams have been haunted by the nightmares that fill my waking hours.
Those I love most dealing with unreal stress.
Secrets I'm not allowed to tell.
Secrets others refuse to tell.
Heartbreak.
Sorrow.
and...
jaw lock.

Yeah, I'm a mess of stress and nerves in a tidy little package, tell you what.
But the sadness and stress I'm feeling right now have helped me to realize

Universal Truth Number Twenty Three
Heartbreak helps your heart grow stronger.

Perhaps this doesn't sound correct. When our hearts are broken, most of us feel that their heart has been permanently weakened, that it will never be the same again.
This is partially true. I'd agree that once a heart has been broken, it will never beat quite the same way again. The emotional scar tissue changes the way it pumps and thumps along.
But scar tissue thickens, and when dealing with your emotional heart (clearly not physical -- don't you worry, you pre-meds) scar tissue helps prevent further damage, and adds more depth.
More depth... to better love someone who truly deserves to hold your heart.
More depth for the person who will keep your heart safe.

Homegirl

There's something about moving out. Something about truly living on your own and being independent. Home is no longer home.
I can't explain it, am certain my family won't understand it, and yet I can't deny it. There is nothing better than sharing my time with those I love most (ie my family) and Dorothy summed it up best when she said that there's no place like home. But like visiting a childhood haunt, you can't help but feel you've outgrown it.

Let me explain that thought very carefully.
I haven't outgrown my family or spending time with them. Instead, just as you don't properly fit into your old tree house or fictitious world of barbies, I sometimes feel I don't properly fit back into the role I last held within my family.
Whenever I go home there awaits the same role and the same expectations I left when I moved out three years ago. I'm still the eighteen-year-old who loves the same activities, conversations, and people... or at least that's what my family expects to be the case.

It doesn't matter how much I have changed. I still find myself party to

Universal Truth Twenty Two
Those you aren't around, never seem to age in your mind.

I can't begrudge others for doing something that I do myself. But I find myself wondering what I can do to change such perception. When do I bridge the gap? When do I leave behind childhood completely and enter adulthood? Am I ever to do that completely, or will I always be Daddy's little girl and a pain in my mother's side?

Just Perceive

My heart beat in my chest and there was a slow and automatic oxygen intake, so ultimately it was a moment not unlike every other moment I’ve ever lived through.

But it was different.
A best friend cried as she asked for my help. I was the first person she came to, the first person she trusted with her secret.
"I think I'm pregnant," came the words that afternoon at lunch.
As she shared her secret, I cried too.

I was a junior in high school - but time has dulled neither the memory or the lesson learned.
It's not your obvious lesson, that premarital sex is bad or that we can overcome poor choices.
Rather, it's a lesson that I continue to learn as I watch how our choices continue to pull us down different paths.

There was a time when my goals and choices mirrored hers, as much as hers mirrored mine.
But somewhere between barbie dolls and boyfriends, that began to change.
Her small differing choices lead her to larger ones, and soon her choices defined her.

She chooses today to live as she lived in high school, not really respecting herself enough to demand the treatment she deserves.
As one of the most beautiful and genuine people I know, I still hope that she'll apply

Universal Truth Number Twenty One
Never doubt your own worth.

As soon as you start doubting whether or not you're "good enough," As soon as you start thinking that he or she is "out of your league," you are doing yourself an injustice.
Nine-tenths of who we are, is who we think we are.
The rest of the world will perceive you as you see yourself.

Unleash the Power of the Sun

I was recently playing in the fun and the sun... causing my back and shoulders to burn to a red, crunchy crisp. Yum.
After the burn I was bound and determined to prevent my shoulders from peeling. I was liberal with the Aloe Vera, overly generous with the moisturizers and lotions, and ... well actually, there is no and. My list of preventative measures ends with moisturizers. I wasn't sure what else to do aside from lotioning and oiling.

While I was scheming for the preservation of my fried skin cells, I heard on every side that there would be no avoiding the inevitable. That I would shed my skin like a scaly snake.
(which, believe you me, I surely did.)

At first I thought the universal truth I'd glean from this would be the power of positive thinking. That each of us can improve our situation with determined optimism and a little aloe.
You know, unleash your inner sunshine, and let it shine out to make better each day.
I believe this to be true, but it wasn't the universal truth that I actually gained from the whole experience. Instead I gained

Universal Truth Number Twenty
Always wear sunscreen. Always.

Seriously. My tan lines are unreal.

The do-nots of I-do's

A good friend of mine was recently married. Being a part of her wedding party gave me a chance to reflect on

Universal Truth Number Nineteen
Weddings aren't very fun.

Weddings suck my soul out a little... and I don't understand it! It's supposed to be the happiest day of the happy couple's life... so why is it so dreadful for everyone else? Think about it, it's a combination of things that absolutely no one likes;
-throwing showers no one really wants to attend
-waiting in lines
-gross cake
-socializing with people from high school you'd rather not see
-wandering around a backyard in tuxes and formals
-buying a gift that probably isn't what the couple would have wanted for themselves

I've decided that my wedding will have blow up toys, a guitar hero tournament, truckloads of cake with the good kind of frosting, and maybe a little bull riding.
If anyone can see a problem with that plan, speak now or forever hold your peace.

life IS beautiful

The past few weeks have been nothing to post about -- all the new things I've done and tried have taught me zero new universal truths.
That vacuum of new truths, however; taught me a truth that we all should know. (ironic, eh?)


My Dad had a recent health scare, which started me looking at life and each day in a different light. After the previously mentioned new light, came the everyday moments that I thought I was learning nothing from. Via that new light, and the vacuum of new knowledge, came

Universal Truth Number Eighteen
A life can pass unlived.


That sounds like a rather negative universal truth, but allow me to explain before you shut off your CPU and write off my blog entirely.
A life can be unlived. Days, weeks, years can pass without you taking notice or appreciating the potential that they hold.
We should be singing praises for the speeding ticket we have not yet received and never knew we narrowly escaped, we should smile at the dishes in the sink because someone we love is there to dirty them, and we should stop measuring each day in minutes that have to be endured and days that can be crossed off the calendar.
Our life shouldn't just be endured to the best of our ability. It should be embraced with the best of our passion.

Stop measuring life in minutes and waiting responsibilities.
Start measuring it in heartbeats and moments.

Operation Organize

Last week, the week commemorating my birth, I sat down and made myself a list. A list of fifty-two things that I plan to accomplish in my twentieth year of life. Fifty-two things that I plan to accomplish and keep you appraised of weekly.
This week's plan coordinated perfectly with the events of the week.
(Operation Organize my Life)

Life is too short to waste time digging around in your closet for the perfect top, or sifting through papers to find instructions for the next assignment. I've spent the last year fighting the evils of disorganization, so this week I decided to play hero and rescue myself from the clutter.
Moving home, which is what happened at the close of the preceding week, allowed the perfect opportunity for operation organization.
I found that there is a universal truth behind the mess we all constantly battle against:

Universal Truth Number Seventeen
Entropy (yeah, yeah. I know I didn't actually discover this one)
For those of you who aren't familiar with the second law of thermodynamics, or entropy, it essentially states that all systems move to their most disordered or chaotic states.

That's right, it's not my fault when finals consume my every waking moment and make it impossible to clean my messy room. Blame entropy. It's a LAW of NATURE.
Really, my realization was this: messes are worth fighting against, but not worth stressing over.